Saturday, February 03, 2007
Unmet Expectations
How often are you disappointed by something that is actually bad, or is it just that it didn't meet your expectations?
That happens a lot when you're a kid, before you learn about the world of marketing. You expect to be as happy as the kid on the commercial, all you need is that toy. Once you get it, you realize it doesn't come with a producer and an animator and a set designer and a soundtrack and really it's just a sucky piece of plastic and no, it doesn't make you happy.
The first time I vividly remember experiencing unmet expectations was when Crocodile Dundee came out in 1986. Everyone I knew was going on about what an amazingly hilarious movie it was and talked about it endlessly. By the time I saw it, I had this movie so built up in my head that I was let down. That is what everyone was going on about? I've since learned my lesson and make an effort not to saturate myself with a movie before I see it.
Can the same thing go in other parts of your life, such as relationships? I've found that people can build up expectations about others that always end in disappointment. The fewer expectations you have, the better, really. Okay, some expectations are good, little nuggets like, don't hit me, don't have sex with my friends, don't fart at the dinnertable, but then again, those are more like hard-and-fast-rules.
Some people go into relationships with huge expectations. They are usually easy to spot because they come off as a little needy and seem a little too "bonded" early on, when they are in that dizzying state of belief that their expectations have FINALLY been met. I had a boyfriend who always finished my sentences for me and then agreed with me before I even had a chance to say anything. He had built me up as the perfect girlfriend and so desperately wanted someone he could see eye-to-eye with, that he assumed naturally everything I said would be in perfect congruence with everything that he felt. I should have been wary when he told me he was in love with me on our second date. One morning he stomped out of my house in a huff because I said "Hi" instead of "Good morning." A simple hi did not fit into his expectations and he was bitterly disappointed.
A few years ago I met a nice woman who immediately started calling me her best friend. She often agreed with whatever I said, not even waiting for me to finish speaking, so she didn't really know what she was agreeing with anyway. This made me feel uncomfortable, because NO ONE should agree with whatever I say; not only do I talk out the side of my ass a lot, I also like to play Devil's Advocate, and I'm often just plain old wrong. I look at voicing a statement as a way of starting a conversation, not as laying down the rules.
I could see many times when I wasn't meeting her expectations as Best Friend. She would show irritation by turning bright red and shaking her foot and insisting that nothing was wrong. Once I invited a group of friends over on Saturday night and she said she would be there but didn't show up. The next day, when I called to see if she was okay, she told me that she told her husband, "If Candie really wanted me there, she would have called me last night." She built up that expectation on some rule that I wasn't even aware of.
Eventually, I was blind-sided by an angry phone call while I was shopping, and judging by the things she said, and continued to say over and over, you would think that I had slept with her husband, not made a change of plans. She had a sense of entitlement over my time, activities, and friends that frightened me. Later, when I reread an old email and finally discovered where the misunderstanding arose, I didn't bother explaining. What was the point? I had felt a huge sense of relief from being emotionally freed that I didn't see the need to go back to walking on eggshells again. It's better that she demonizes me and finds reasons to validate telling me she never wants to see me again, because, let me tell you, I will never meet her expectations as a friend.
We've all heard different people voicing disappointment over meeting a celebrity, and I sure know where that one is coming from. You see this person playing characters in movies, wearing glamorous clothes in magazines, making pithy statements on TV interviews, and then when you see them in their sweats standing in line at Del Taco it's a completely different picture. When you see how short your favorite stud muffin is or your favorite hot babe looks like when she's not taped and painted, your expectations don't just go unmet, they get thrown in the dirt and stomped on.
I've learned to never go out on a limb in recommending a restaurant. My favorite restaurants aren't just about the food, part of it is the wonderful experiences I've had there, the memories, the associations I hold to that particular spot. If I send a friend there telling her about this amazing wonderful delightful perfect enchanting restaurant, of course she is going to hate it. Not because it's bad, but because I built it up so much that they could only be disappointed. On top of that, they could go on a bad day, they could get a bad waiter, they could have different point of view of what amazing wonderful delightful perfect enchanting is, or they could just really hate feta cheese.
One restaurant that left my expectations unmet was The Olive Garden. People love that place, but why? I'm pretty sure if you went in the kitchen you would find an assembly line of "chefs" heating up TV dinners and sliding them onto plates.
I was 19 the first time I went to Disneyland, and boy was I disappointed. It was small, and I don't know, somehow less than what I imagined. Not as shiny. Too much plywood. After seeing this fabulous place on TV for my entire life, how could my expectations have been met? Eventually I got over it and look forward to my trips, but that's only after having some fun times to grow on.
Then there is meeting people from online. When I was dating, I would give an honest description of myself starting with, "I'm 5'8", long blonde hair..." and I'm certain some guys would immediately get an image of Pamela Anderson in their head. I could tell them I had a wart on my nose and they wouldn't even see that part. On a good day, I'm about as pretty as Owen Wilson in drag, so what can I say? Don't look at me, man, I didn't say I'm Pamela, you did that to yourself yourself.
We hear people say, "It was good, but just not what I was expecting." We sound like a nation of control freaks, like we have to exert our own power over the activities and appearance of other people, and if they don't fit our mental picture, we get pissed off. Don't look to another person to fulfill your need, because if you can't do it for yourself, no one can do it for you. Wouldn't we all be happy if, instead of trying to mash other people into our preconceived mold, sentencing them to doom, we suspended judgement and let people be who they really are? Fewer people would get discarded and, if you let the world be as it really is, you are in for a lot happy surprises, not bad ones.
That happens a lot when you're a kid, before you learn about the world of marketing. You expect to be as happy as the kid on the commercial, all you need is that toy. Once you get it, you realize it doesn't come with a producer and an animator and a set designer and a soundtrack and really it's just a sucky piece of plastic and no, it doesn't make you happy.
The first time I vividly remember experiencing unmet expectations was when Crocodile Dundee came out in 1986. Everyone I knew was going on about what an amazingly hilarious movie it was and talked about it endlessly. By the time I saw it, I had this movie so built up in my head that I was let down. That is what everyone was going on about? I've since learned my lesson and make an effort not to saturate myself with a movie before I see it.
Can the same thing go in other parts of your life, such as relationships? I've found that people can build up expectations about others that always end in disappointment. The fewer expectations you have, the better, really. Okay, some expectations are good, little nuggets like, don't hit me, don't have sex with my friends, don't fart at the dinnertable, but then again, those are more like hard-and-fast-rules.
Some people go into relationships with huge expectations. They are usually easy to spot because they come off as a little needy and seem a little too "bonded" early on, when they are in that dizzying state of belief that their expectations have FINALLY been met. I had a boyfriend who always finished my sentences for me and then agreed with me before I even had a chance to say anything. He had built me up as the perfect girlfriend and so desperately wanted someone he could see eye-to-eye with, that he assumed naturally everything I said would be in perfect congruence with everything that he felt. I should have been wary when he told me he was in love with me on our second date. One morning he stomped out of my house in a huff because I said "Hi" instead of "Good morning." A simple hi did not fit into his expectations and he was bitterly disappointed.
A few years ago I met a nice woman who immediately started calling me her best friend. She often agreed with whatever I said, not even waiting for me to finish speaking, so she didn't really know what she was agreeing with anyway. This made me feel uncomfortable, because NO ONE should agree with whatever I say; not only do I talk out the side of my ass a lot, I also like to play Devil's Advocate, and I'm often just plain old wrong. I look at voicing a statement as a way of starting a conversation, not as laying down the rules.
I could see many times when I wasn't meeting her expectations as Best Friend. She would show irritation by turning bright red and shaking her foot and insisting that nothing was wrong. Once I invited a group of friends over on Saturday night and she said she would be there but didn't show up. The next day, when I called to see if she was okay, she told me that she told her husband, "If Candie really wanted me there, she would have called me last night." She built up that expectation on some rule that I wasn't even aware of.
Eventually, I was blind-sided by an angry phone call while I was shopping, and judging by the things she said, and continued to say over and over, you would think that I had slept with her husband, not made a change of plans. She had a sense of entitlement over my time, activities, and friends that frightened me. Later, when I reread an old email and finally discovered where the misunderstanding arose, I didn't bother explaining. What was the point? I had felt a huge sense of relief from being emotionally freed that I didn't see the need to go back to walking on eggshells again. It's better that she demonizes me and finds reasons to validate telling me she never wants to see me again, because, let me tell you, I will never meet her expectations as a friend.
We've all heard different people voicing disappointment over meeting a celebrity, and I sure know where that one is coming from. You see this person playing characters in movies, wearing glamorous clothes in magazines, making pithy statements on TV interviews, and then when you see them in their sweats standing in line at Del Taco it's a completely different picture. When you see how short your favorite stud muffin is or your favorite hot babe looks like when she's not taped and painted, your expectations don't just go unmet, they get thrown in the dirt and stomped on.
I've learned to never go out on a limb in recommending a restaurant. My favorite restaurants aren't just about the food, part of it is the wonderful experiences I've had there, the memories, the associations I hold to that particular spot. If I send a friend there telling her about this amazing wonderful delightful perfect enchanting restaurant, of course she is going to hate it. Not because it's bad, but because I built it up so much that they could only be disappointed. On top of that, they could go on a bad day, they could get a bad waiter, they could have different point of view of what amazing wonderful delightful perfect enchanting is, or they could just really hate feta cheese.
One restaurant that left my expectations unmet was The Olive Garden. People love that place, but why? I'm pretty sure if you went in the kitchen you would find an assembly line of "chefs" heating up TV dinners and sliding them onto plates.
I was 19 the first time I went to Disneyland, and boy was I disappointed. It was small, and I don't know, somehow less than what I imagined. Not as shiny. Too much plywood. After seeing this fabulous place on TV for my entire life, how could my expectations have been met? Eventually I got over it and look forward to my trips, but that's only after having some fun times to grow on.
Then there is meeting people from online. When I was dating, I would give an honest description of myself starting with, "I'm 5'8", long blonde hair..." and I'm certain some guys would immediately get an image of Pamela Anderson in their head. I could tell them I had a wart on my nose and they wouldn't even see that part. On a good day, I'm about as pretty as Owen Wilson in drag, so what can I say? Don't look at me, man, I didn't say I'm Pamela, you did that to yourself yourself.
We hear people say, "It was good, but just not what I was expecting." We sound like a nation of control freaks, like we have to exert our own power over the activities and appearance of other people, and if they don't fit our mental picture, we get pissed off. Don't look to another person to fulfill your need, because if you can't do it for yourself, no one can do it for you. Wouldn't we all be happy if, instead of trying to mash other people into our preconceived mold, sentencing them to doom, we suspended judgement and let people be who they really are? Fewer people would get discarded and, if you let the world be as it really is, you are in for a lot happy surprises, not bad ones.
